5 Misconceptions About Mental Health
I write this piece as a reflection of my own mental health journey. It was seventh grade when depression hit me like a truck. One day I was planning sleepovers with my girlfriends and it felt like the very next day I had this unmeasurable self hate in a body that couldn’t contain all of it. It was sudden and spread like fire for the next thirteen years of my life. And throughout the variety of treatments and therapy I received, there was a consistent message that I got: I will be managing this for the rest of my life.
It feels surreal to look bak at that time of my life and look at where I am now. To see the way in which I look at an older version of myself with distant compassion instead of a tethered soul I still connect to. And it made me think about some of the messages I received during that time of my life that created misconceptions of what Mental Health is.
A mental health diagnosis is not a life sentence for all people. There is growing evidence to support the bi-directional relationship between our gut, body and brain. Which means through replacing unhelpful habits with healthy ones, increasing social supports, changing environments, and allowing time to teach new lessons-the relationship with the diagnosis can also change. Meeting a diagnosis criteria at one point of your life is no indicator that you will meet that criteria in 5-10 years. What keeps people stuck is the belief that because they are diagnosed, they will always be dealing with it. When you get sick, you don’t sit and think that this will be forever-you wait for the signs to show the body is healing.
Being diagnosed with so many disorders at such a young age made understanding myself really difficult. It was hard to differentiate who I was and what my mental health was telling me I was. It took a lot of years to let go of the identities that were tied to the DSM. I wouldn’t meet criteria for any DSM disorder currently and that is contributed to my consistent connection to my values: taking care of my health, moving my body, eating whole foods, spending time with people who love and accept me, engaging in challenges that are connected to my growth.
The opposite of Depression or Anxiety is not happiness. A regulated nervous system still experiences all emotions with changing intensity-Irritability, sadness, joy, content, excitement, fear. And all emotions are fleeting, therefore there is no emotion/feeling that sustains itself long term once you have become “mentally healthy” or acquired a life full of all of your hopes and dreams. When the brain is very depressed or very anxious-everything becomes hard-going to work, seeing people, moving your body, maintaining routine. When that subsides, sure there is some contentment and bliss but also boredom. But that is because we learn in action and interaction. When you are mentally healthy-the boredom signals to the body that it’s capable of more than just “existing”. It wants more.
In the depths of my mental illness, my brain was a true monster. Rapid and intrusive thoughts constantly picking myself apart and weighing the rewards of the next risky and reckless move. And as I sustained a healthy brain, I noticed that my brain never stopped working in overtime-the content of my thoughts changed. In some weird fucking turn around-the intensity and distance of which I hated myself became the same intensity of which I would love myself. While simply existing was good enough for so long, the boredom pushed me into feeling capable to do more. Which drove a new identity that believed I was more.
Your therapist and anti-depressant is not the golden answer. You going to therapy is not going to fix all of your problems nor will the anti-depressant your prescribed. The house you can build with two tools versus 50 is what determines the size, stability and quality of the house. Your answer to mental health is not in the chair of therapy but all of the environments outside of therapy. Relying on someone or something else to “fix” the problem reinforces a belief that the individual isn’t capable of driving change in themselves.
I did enough therapy before I was 20 that another person does in a lifetime. I truly believe that everyone can benefit from experiencing a therapeutic relationship-to be seen, validated, empowered and guided through difficult times. At some point, I realized that waiting for a therapy session to learn about myself was keeping me from living a life that I was talking about in therapy. I had all the insight, all the tools, all the information-I needed to learn through action and doing. I have not been in therapy in 6-7 years and have not been on medication in 10 years. I have such a profound toolbox that I truly feel capable 99% of the time.
Therapy cannot be the only relationship in your life. Relationships are the catalyst to change-they become mirrors to our shadow parts. As a therapist, it is my job to ensure that my patients have social supports in their life. Not only because it helps minimize dependency on the therapeutic relationship but it exposes people to conflict, insecurities, connection and intimacy that can anchor the work that is done in therapy. Beyond that, therapy is biased because the therapist only knows what they are told. I as a therapist don’t get to watch someone in real life, I don’t know how they navigate daily stressors. The people around them do.
I spent so many years working on myself in isolation that I was convinced I could do life alone. I was so proud of everything I had built that I was terrified to let anyone in. Until I hit a crossroad and asked myself, “what did I do all of this for if I won’t let anyone see it?” I truly cannot emphasize enough that my life began to flourish with opportunities when I saw myself in a community rather a lone wolf. When I saw myself as a reflection of those around me instead of an isolated experiment. My friends have taught me patience, genuine contribution, communication, connection and flexibility. I am a better person when burdened with community than un-triggered in isolation.
Life is not to be lived AFTER you figured yourself out. Being immersed in life is what allows healing. There is no greater barrier than thinking that you have to be perfect or figured out before you can take risk or do the things you want. You heal relational trauma in relationships. You practice intimacy with people. You learn about yourself in mirror of others. You manage your anxiety by engaging in difficult challenges. You manage depression in routine. Stop waiting.
I thought I had to be perfect before I could expose myself to this world. As if one day, I’d come out of the hole I had been in for 8 years and everyone would Ooooh and aweeeee at my self development. But what I learned is that to heal in isolation isn’t to heal at all. It wasn’t until I threw myself into life that I saw the real me; the me that was still scared of intimacy, the rigid me with unfair expectations of others, the me that unraveled when things didn’t go as planned.
Life is prickly and hard, decisions can be overwhelming and scary, relationships are nerve-wracking and anxiety inducing; It is truly one big exposure therapy session. Those things do not go away because the depression or anxiety did. But if we hold a belief that that is the case, we may not see the progress that has been made. Please hear me when I say this.
You are not broken but have cracks, you are not unhealed but learning, you are not triggered or have a dys-regulated nervous system-you are living. You have a lifetime to engage in behaviors you admire-start today.
Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who is my everything. Kathy Awe. I am nothing without you. I am forever indebted to the sacrifices you have made for our family.